Raison d'être
by Ayoshen
Summary: You don't cry, Albert, do you? Of course you don't, you're a notebook. Notebooks don't cry. And neither do I.


**A/N: **I would like to request that for the sake of this fanfic, let's please pretend children really do learn this fast. I swear I wasn't trying to burn your retinas. (At the same time, I propose all misspellings and grammatical errors in the following text are little Emma's fault.) Also, originally this fic contained two pictures, but due to 's limitations, that version can only be read on my tumblr. Boo. :(

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**Raison d'être**

**Day 8**  
It's mY second weex at the StorYbrooxe elementerY scool. I can't write verY well yet, but I'm trYing realY hard becuase I want to be able to reed storys faster. Miss blanchard saYs I'm maxing terrific progres. I was sad when she told me but then she saw and she saYed that terrific meens realY good, so now I'm happY. All the other xids in mY class - 1D - have made friends, so I thout I should make one to. Having friends cud be fun. Their alwaYs laughing togather. I'm going to call You albert. HeY albert! Your much better then the other boYs. Can we be best friends?

**Day 22**  
We sang in class todaY. I didn't like the song. It was about a cat and a dog who had to get inside when it started to rain, and the cat went thru a hole and the dog went thru the window. WhY didn't theY staY outside in the rain? EverYone laughed at me when I asxed, but I don't get it. Miss blanchard ekplained that cats and dogs stink if theY staY out when it's raining and that was whY theY wanted to hide. That's strainge. I never go hide unless I'm with You, albert. I'd lose You in the rain becuase Your pages wud get wet and you wud catch a cold. That makes much more sense.  
Miss blanchard says I can write nicely now but my Ys are all crooked and I keep mistaxing k for x. Why are they so similar, Albert? I bet you can tell how many errors I've made in this en-tree. Your smarter then me.

**Day 26**  
Every time theY catch me alone, the girls ask which boY I like. They say graham likes me and I should like him too. I don't think boys talk about this often and I like that. But not the boys. I like everyone the same. Do I need to pick? But whY? The girls say there has to be a boY I wud smooch. That even sounds gross. Ew. I shudder just thinking about it. Girls are wierd. I've decided to hang around with graham and august and lance. They don't ask me stuff and theY let me be goal-keeper. Except sometimes august says he will but then he doesn't.

**Day 28**  
There's a new girl in class. Miss blanchard says the girl was sick this whole time and that's why she didn't come until today. Her name is regina and she looks realy pretty. I told sister clarice, who teaches reli… rel… god-hood and waters the plants in the garden, that I thout regina looked pretty and she said I shouldn't think like that. She said girls don't call other girls pretty at school. I don't understand. I thout maybe regina wud feel welcomer if I told her she was pretty but I'm scared to tell her now because sister clarice said god wud hear and he wud think I'm bad. Why wud comple… compli… complitting regina make me bad? I thout these things are said to make someone feel better about themself. Adults make everything so confusing. Oh well, how wud I know? No one's called me pretty before. But mother thinks that's because I'm ugly so I guess it's ok.  
I'm not going to talk to sister clarice any more. She is scary. And I need to find a boy to like.

**Day 42**  
I thought maybe today I could tell Regina how pretty she is, but I was wrong. Regina is mean and ugly and evil and gross. I was helping Miss Blanchard carry some books to the bi-logy classroom and she stuck her foot in front of me and made me trip. I have a bruise on my forehead thanks to her and the edge of a copy of Green Thumbs. Everyone laughed but it hurt realy bad so I started to cry and I thought they would realize I'm in pain and they'd stop, but they laughed so much more, and Regina kept kicking to books to the side every time I crawled over to pick one up. I hope god saw it and he'll make her step on a bee barefoot.  
I know I'm boring you with my problems, Albert, but I'm sad and I hate her so much. I promise I'll never cry again.

**Day 43**  
Your pretty, Albert.

**Day 49**  
Today we went outside for a bit and I sat on the swing and watched the other kids play. They call me crybaby. Graham fell over trying to kick a ball, and he scraped his knee and cried and nobody laughed at him. They're stupid. Maybe it's because I'm one year older than them but they're still stupid. At least I had time to look at kids from other classes and I liked watching them. Some brown-haired girl from 1A saw me and she waved at me, but I didn't want to talk to her so I didn't return it. She seemed nice when I watched her but she'd learn that I'm the crybaby soon and she'd only make fun of me.  
Miss Blanchard says I'm growing deattached. I don't know what that means but I nodded like I knew. She suspects nothing. She says I spend too much time on the swing. It sounded like she was trying to lecture me, but I liked the part when she brushed my hair off my forehead to take a look at the booboo. It's almost faded away now but you can still see it. She kissed it and I accidently told her she was pretty before I realized I wasn't supposed to. I almost fell off the swing and ran away as fast as I could. She must think I'm the worst now. I hope she doesn't call mother and father but I'm scared she will.

**Day 50**  
Miss Blanchard didn't call yesterday. I wanted to know why (everyone else would) so I asked her about it during recess. She said she didn't want to get me in trouble and then she smiled at me, but the smile wasn't as pretty as yesterday. I think that inside she was about to cry, but she didn't because Miss Blanchard is clever and she knows only crybabies do that. She asked me why I had run and I said it was because I had said a bad word. Miss Blanchard laughed and said pretty is a great word. I don't understand.

**Day 64**  
Nothing interesting happened. I like watching the children from 2A the most now, so I do. They have hula hoops and skipping ropes and they like to compete in who can jump over it a hundred times and still stand. The brunette girl is really good at that. Today she made it to 123 skips before she had to sit down. That's a record.

**Day 68**  
Regina cut the string! I know it! Albert, I'm so angry. I was sitting on the swing, watching the kids play, and when I wasn't looking and the girls were yelling, Regina started cutting one of the strings holding me up with the scissors we'd used to cut paper dolls. I noticed halfway through and she ran off and I wanted to chase her and beat her up but the string ripped before I could jump off and I fell on my butt. I tried to explain to Miss Blanchard that it was Regina, but she said she was disappointed in me and that I shouldn't blame my mistakes on others, and that Regina wouldn't do it, Regina this, Regina that, blah blah blah. Now the kids say the crybaby broke the swing and Miss Blanchard is mad at me.  
I shouldn't have wanted to beat Regina up. Mother is right, I'm ugly.

**Day 69**  
I was summoned to the principal's office today, but Miss Blanchard told me to sit back down and went instead of me. The principal's office is directly upstairs from our classroom. We could hear them arguing loudly about the swing. Miss Blanchard said something about paying for it herself and not to call because… and then it got real quiet for a while. Everyone was giving me weird looks so I drew in my notebook so that I wouldn't have to face them.

I hate Regina so, so much. And everyone else besides Miss Blanchard too. I hate them all with all my heart. And I'm angry that god hasn't punished Regina yet. Isn't that what he's for? I thought he could tell the good from the evil and that was his job, but if it is, he must not be very good at it. I don't understand what everyone keeps thanking him for.

**Day 82**  
I miss that one time Miss Blanchard kissed my booboo. It felt nice, like she cared. No one else had ever done that. I wish she would do it again. I keep tripping over sticks and stones and bumping into desks and I've got more bruises than I can count now but she never seems to notice. Maybe it's because I've stopped crying. I tried today when I fell again but somehow I couldn't. You don't cry, Albert, do you? Of course you don't, you're a notebook. Notebooks don't cry. And neither do I.

**Day 84**  
I fell off the stairs today. I didn't actually try to, at least not when I saw how many there were, but it was too late for me to stop myself. Miss Blanchard carried me to the nursery and I felt really bad afterwards when I saw how sad she was. I didn't mean to make her sad, I just wanted to have her care for me. Is that selfish, Albert? It probably is.  
The nurse said my arm was cracked from the fall and that I'd need a cast. It's like a giant shell weighing me down. At least they gave me a scarf around my neck to make it lighter.  
When we left, I told Miss Blanchard how sorry I was that I'd fallen. She choked up a little and hugged me, carefully so that she wouldn't hurt me, and I think she was crying but I'm not sure (especially since Miss Blanchard wouldn't cry). I don't really understand why. I'd been bad.

**Day 89**  
The rope-skipping champion talked to me today when I was resting on our (repaired) swing. She introduced herself as Ruby. I didn't want to talk to her, so I told her to go away. "For someone who doesn't want to talk to anyone, you sure spend an awful lot of time daydreaming about it," she smirked and returned to another rope-skipping challenge of hers. She's stupid.

**Day 90**  
I caught a butterfly today. You would have liked it, Albert. It was all kinds of pretty. It was red but there were four spots on its wings that looked like eyes and so talking to it felt like talking to a person, only with four eyes, but that was okay with me. I named it Eir and I told it all there was to know about my classmates and how Ashley was scared of butterflies but Graham loved chasing after them so my new friend should stay away, and how Regina would kill it in an instant, but not to worry, I'd protect it. I carried it around in a glass for a while, but Miss Blanchard told me to let it go. I argued that it was happy with me, but she said I had stolen something I couldn't replace and to think about it. I think I understand. I wouldn't want anyone to catch me either. I set it free behind the school building, hoping it would come and say hi sometime, maybe.  
My arm was getting tired anyway.

**Day 91**  
Ruby came to me again today. She gave me ice cream. I thanked her but I said I still didn't want to talk. She said that was _"raison d'être"_and leaned against the tree next to me.

**Day 92**  
Ruby gave me more ice cream. She says her parents give her enough money for two of these little cones every day and that I can have the other. I'd never had ice cream, but it's tasty. The cover says it's vanilla and caramel. I couldn't figure out which was which, but Ruby says the sticky orangey stuff in the middle is caramel. Some dripped down my chin because I couldn't lift my other arm to wipe it off and Ruby laughed at me. She's stupid.

**Day 100**  
It's become our ritual. Ooh, that sounds spooky, like summoning ghosts. But no, I mean Ruby. We always sit together by the swing and eat ice cream. It's wide enough for both of us if we sit just right, so sometimes I let her swing with me. She's offered to push me so I could swing higher, but I don't let her do that. It would be weird when I can't do that for her too. We've started to talk. She tells me it's funny how similar Regina and I are. I slapped her shoulder for that. Do I look anything like Regina, Albert? No. Regina is a mean witch. Today I saw her eavesdrop on us and I got so angry I wanted to take her on. Ruby said I needed to let it go and that Regina was just lonely. I said I couldn't see it. _"Raison d'être."_

**Day 101**  
Today she asked when my arm would be healed and I said in two weeks or so. Ruby said that was _raison d'être_. She boasts her parents have taught her a little French but this is all I've ever heard from her. I asked her to tell me what raison d'être meant and she giggled and refused to say. I thought she didn't actually know either and was just being un-realistical, so I called her out on it. Ruby got angry and stomped away.  
I think that was my last vanilla and caramel ice cream.

**Day 102**  
Being alone during recess… it doesn't feel as fun as it used to after Ruby. I wanted to apologize, but I couldn't find her anywhere. In class, I asked Miss Blanchard what raison d'être meant. She asked what contest I'd heard it in. I didn't understand. I haven't taken part in any contest in months. Instead I told her that it's Ruby's catchphrase, from 2A, like that time I'd told her about Eir and that it hadn't returned yet and Ruby said it was _raison d'être_. Miss Blanchard laughed and said I must have misunderstood her, but I know what I'd heard!

**Day 103**  
There's a girl in my class who's name is Belle French. Even that suggests she must know some French, right? Plus, she's buried in books all the time. She must be smart, right? Never assume, Albert. I went to talk to her today and I asked her what a _raison d'être_was. She said she was sorry but that she couldn't help me and that it's something I have to find out about on my own. I don't think she's stupid, but I had such high hopes… oh well.

**Day 104**  
Ruby came back to me today. She said she shouldn't have gotten angry with me and gave me her ice cream too. I thought she was being silly and I gave it back. Ruby confessed she didn't actually know what raison d'être meant, but she'd seen it in a fortune cookie when she was five and a half and she's been using it since. I think it's adme… admi… I think it's cool that she told me the truth. The other kids would probably think of her as the next crybaby if I told them this, but she trusts me not to. She doesn't want to stop using it so she isn't, but now I'm curiouser than ever to know what it means.

**Day 105**  
Miss Blanchard told each of us to bring something to school today that we can use to show one of our talents to others. Most kids brought pencils to draw or a musical instrument. I can't play any. Regina's parents had given her a flute, but she refused to play no matter how much the others nagged. I thought I would sing, but I didn't want to, either. Mother says my voice sounds like chalk on board. Miss Blanchard scolded us. She said we'd had enough time to prepare something we wanted to do and gave both of us extra homework. It isn't too hard, though. I'm already done. The scary part is how Ruby reminded me how similar me and Regina are.

**Day 106**  
Ruby and I played hide and seek. She wanted to spice up the game, so she said that whoever lost in under thirty seconds would have to answer one question. I couldn't see the harm in that, so I agreed. It took her like nine seconds to find me crouching under a picnic table, and then she asked if there was someone I thought was pretty. Oooohh noooo. Here we go again. I wouldn't answer that and then Ruby sulked for a bit. She's such a baby at times.

**Day 107**  
She wouldn't let it go today, either. Every time I tried to talk to her, the only thing she would say was "Who is it?" Eventually I gave up and told her I thought Regina was pretty, in a terrible, mean, nasty witch way. I said I hated her so much and Ruby giggled. Appearantly, she doesn't think it's horrible when a girl tells another girl she's pretty and she thinks I think Regina is so popular after what she did to me, but she's alone all the time, like me. That's a relief. I'm really glad I have Ruby. You would like her, Albert. I think she's my other best friend.

**Day 108**  
I saw Regina sitting alone on a bench where I'd let Eir go. I could see she had been crying, but she started yelling at me as soon as she saw me. It was strange. I had thought Regina couldn't cry, like me, but she had just been hiding this whole time.  
So I told her she was pretty and gave her my ice cream.  
Oh, and I finally know what _raison d'être_***** means.

—**FIN**—

***** = reason to live/exist (in Ruby's dictionary, "[that's] too bad")


End file.
